Happiness is what you make it,
Happiness is from within,
And happiness is yours for the taking.
Well, today I realized I need my own happiness back. Four years ago, I truly had it. But, now when I look at things I can't recall having that feeling. Sure, I've had plenty of good days...I've laughed, smiled, joked and all that, but most times I just smile through the tears. No one wants to hear your complaints or problems when they're facing their own, so moping around really won't do anything. And after all these years, I'm pretty good at just burying myself from the truth.
Yet here I am again, faced with another truth that I can no longer run from. I've ignored it, laughed it off and pretended it was something else...something better...something happier. Spent hours convincing myself to see what I wanted to see because I knew reality would be too painful. But, what does running from the truth really do? Numb the pain? Sure, but only temporarily. And the more you run and hide, the bigger it gets and the worse it feels when all you can do is face the facts...
I started this post on November 30, 2012 and left it incomplete to finish once I cleared my head. Here I am on July 23, 2013 just now returning to it.
The crazy/sad/ridiculous part of it all is, I still find myself in this same predicament searching for answers and looking for my happiness.
What I have learned is that I'm in control of my happiness. It's always there for the taking. I just have to be willing to fight for it. Nothing in life comes easy and that's in regards to all aspects of your life. So, if I want to be happy, then I have to go for it.
And today, I choose to be happy and to be thankful! I've decided that I want that to be my daily mantra and I will say it every day, millions of times a day until I truly embrace those words.
I went to a poetry event and there was an artist who said the following lyric "You deserve to be happy/You owe it to your damn self...I deserve to be happy/I owe it to my damn self" and that's some real truth right there! And I couldn't agree more.
Then I went to church on Sunday and during the altar call the guest speaker had everyone say "I forgive...EVERYBODY."
Prior to encountering both of those things, I told myself that when I got on the plane to go on my vacation in Cali that I was going to shut the door on everyone and everything hurting me, angering me, bothering me and making me question the person I am and want to be.
Then to have those two experiences, I just received more positive affirmation that I need to let things go COMPLETELY and just live my life.
So as I continue to truly find my happiness, I need to find ways to maintain it and then continue to believe that my happiness is here to stay.
Here's to the next chapter...
xoxo
Brown Eyes
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Love Games
"Forgive...sounds good / Forget...I'm not sure I could / They say time heals everything / But I'm still waiting..." I've listened to that line probably a thousand times, but never has it rang so true to me until now. A song with political ties, yet perfectly fit for what I'm feeling...heartbreak. I look around and it's everywhere. From the simple exchange of a look to a doting kiss on the forehead to that hug that doesn't seem to last long enough. I find myself staring and then gazing off into the "what if's" of life...kind of like that scene in Selena when she sees this couple after she performed at a fair...she's enamored by them, but at that same time lost in her own thoughts wondering what it would be like to have that feeling of love herself.
It's a tale of two worlds. When you're on one side of the fence, everyone says "you're better off that way trust me," "it's just a hassle, enjoy being single" and blah blah blah because once you have a boo then "it's the greatest," "we can double date" and blah blah blah. Well, I don't really know what it's like to be on the "other side" of the fence, but I thought I found someone who was allowing me to finally see how it could be. It crept up on me too, which should have been a good thing. I wasn't looking for anything nor trying. I followed my instincts and let my heart guide me and it was surreal. His words were backed up by his actions and the connection was strong. Through it all, part of me kept saying "don't do it, reconsider!" a la UGK ft. Outkast International Players Anthem, but for once I did do it and I just let my guard all the way down.
What seemed like the signs of a promising relationship turned into a harsh reality. One moment I started to look into a future with plans of what could become of us then all of a sudden it was just over. No real explanation, just a sad text with the It's not you, it's me undertone. Now looking back it's hard for me to know what was really the truth. I don't want to think everything was just a lie, but his actions in the end definitely didn't reflect anything that went on between us. So now I'm just left with the memories and my own opinions to gage the situation. As an analyzer, that just sucks.
Not knowing what to think, I've gone back to what I know best...being emotionless. I live my life with a guarded heart because I don't know any other way to live. Friends tell me you have to take chances and risk it for that reward in the end, but if you're the only one ever truly putting yourself out there in a relationship then how does that add up?? To me then, the risk is greater than the reward and, well, I'm tired of that risk being at the expense of my heart.
So I guess time is the key...You have to move on eventually and sometimes that just means letting things run its course even though it's hard. But, really, I'm just looking forward to the day when I can look back and laugh it off...
As Valentine's Day made its way back around this year, a simple tweet from one of my favorite rappers (even if I don't know the context of it) said it all for my emotions...........Men lie, women lie @jcolenc
Until the next post......
browneyes
It's a tale of two worlds. When you're on one side of the fence, everyone says "you're better off that way trust me," "it's just a hassle, enjoy being single" and blah blah blah because once you have a boo then "it's the greatest," "we can double date" and blah blah blah. Well, I don't really know what it's like to be on the "other side" of the fence, but I thought I found someone who was allowing me to finally see how it could be. It crept up on me too, which should have been a good thing. I wasn't looking for anything nor trying. I followed my instincts and let my heart guide me and it was surreal. His words were backed up by his actions and the connection was strong. Through it all, part of me kept saying "don't do it, reconsider!" a la UGK ft. Outkast International Players Anthem, but for once I did do it and I just let my guard all the way down.
What seemed like the signs of a promising relationship turned into a harsh reality. One moment I started to look into a future with plans of what could become of us then all of a sudden it was just over. No real explanation, just a sad text with the It's not you, it's me undertone. Now looking back it's hard for me to know what was really the truth. I don't want to think everything was just a lie, but his actions in the end definitely didn't reflect anything that went on between us. So now I'm just left with the memories and my own opinions to gage the situation. As an analyzer, that just sucks.
Not knowing what to think, I've gone back to what I know best...being emotionless. I live my life with a guarded heart because I don't know any other way to live. Friends tell me you have to take chances and risk it for that reward in the end, but if you're the only one ever truly putting yourself out there in a relationship then how does that add up?? To me then, the risk is greater than the reward and, well, I'm tired of that risk being at the expense of my heart.
So I guess time is the key...You have to move on eventually and sometimes that just means letting things run its course even though it's hard. But, really, I'm just looking forward to the day when I can look back and laugh it off...
As Valentine's Day made its way back around this year, a simple tweet from one of my favorite rappers (even if I don't know the context of it) said it all for my emotions...........Men lie, women lie @jcolenc
Until the next post......
browneyes
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Journey
I moved to nyc over a year ago and since then it's been quite the experience so I thought what a better to remember this journey than to blog about it. It's something I've never done before, but wanted to try it out and see how this goes. I'm not really sure what all I'll write about, when I'll write but hey it's just a way to express myself =)
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