"Forgive...sounds good / Forget...I'm not sure I could / They say time heals everything / But I'm still waiting..." I've listened to that line probably a thousand times, but never has it rang so true to me until now. A song with political ties, yet perfectly fit for what I'm feeling...heartbreak. I look around and it's everywhere. From the simple exchange of a look to a doting kiss on the forehead to that hug that doesn't seem to last long enough. I find myself staring and then gazing off into the "what if's" of life...kind of like that scene in Selena when she sees this couple after she performed at a fair...she's enamored by them, but at that same time lost in her own thoughts wondering what it would be like to have that feeling of love herself.
It's a tale of two worlds. When you're on one side of the fence, everyone says "you're better off that way trust me," "it's just a hassle, enjoy being single" and blah blah blah because once you have a boo then "it's the greatest," "we can double date" and blah blah blah. Well, I don't really know what it's like to be on the "other side" of the fence, but I thought I found someone who was allowing me to finally see how it could be. It crept up on me too, which should have been a good thing. I wasn't looking for anything nor trying. I followed my instincts and let my heart guide me and it was surreal. His words were backed up by his actions and the connection was strong. Through it all, part of me kept saying "don't do it, reconsider!" a la UGK ft. Outkast International Players Anthem, but for once I did do it and I just let my guard all the way down.
What seemed like the signs of a promising relationship turned into a harsh reality. One moment I started to look into a future with plans of what could become of us then all of a sudden it was just over. No real explanation, just a sad text with the It's not you, it's me undertone. Now looking back it's hard for me to know what was really the truth. I don't want to think everything was just a lie, but his actions in the end definitely didn't reflect anything that went on between us. So now I'm just left with the memories and my own opinions to gage the situation. As an analyzer, that just sucks.
Not knowing what to think, I've gone back to what I know best...being emotionless. I live my life with a guarded heart because I don't know any other way to live. Friends tell me you have to take chances and risk it for that reward in the end, but if you're the only one ever truly putting yourself out there in a relationship then how does that add up?? To me then, the risk is greater than the reward and, well, I'm tired of that risk being at the expense of my heart.
So I guess time is the key...You have to move on eventually and sometimes that just means letting things run its course even though it's hard. But, really, I'm just looking forward to the day when I can look back and laugh it off...
As Valentine's Day made its way back around this year, a simple tweet from one of my favorite rappers (even if I don't know the context of it) said it all for my emotions...........Men lie, women lie @jcolenc
Until the next post......
browneyes
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