My Happiness

Happiness is what you make it,

Happiness is from within,

And happiness is yours for the taking.

Well, today I realized I need my own happiness back. Four years ago, I truly had it. But, now when I look at things I can't recall having that feeling. Sure, I've had plenty of good days...I've laughed, smiled, joked and all that, but most times I just smile through the tears. No one wants to hear your complaints or problems when they're facing their own, so moping around really won't do anything. And after all these years, I'm pretty good at just burying myself from the truth.

Yet here I am again, faced with another truth that I can no longer run from. I've ignored it, laughed it off and pretended it was something else...something better...something happier. Spent hours convincing myself to see what I wanted to see because I knew reality would be too painful. But, what does running from the truth really do? Numb the pain? Sure, but only temporarily. And the more you run and hide, the bigger it gets and the worse it feels when all you can do is face the facts...

I started this post on November 30, 2012 and left it incomplete to finish once I cleared my head. Here I am on July 23, 2013 just now returning to it.

The crazy/sad/ridiculous part of it all is, I still find myself in this same predicament searching for answers and looking for my happiness.

What I have learned is that I'm in control of my happiness. It's always there for the taking. I just have to be willing to fight for it. Nothing in life comes easy and that's in regards to all aspects of your life. So, if I want to be happy, then I have to go for it.

And today, I choose to be happy and to be thankful! I've decided that I want that to be my daily mantra and I will say it every day, millions of times a day until I truly embrace those words.

I went to a poetry event and there was an artist who said the following lyric "You deserve to be happy/You owe it to your damn self...I deserve to be happy/I owe it to my damn self" and that's some real truth right there! And I couldn't agree more.

Then I went to church on Sunday and during the altar call the guest speaker had everyone say "I forgive...EVERYBODY."

Prior to encountering both of those things, I told myself that when I got on the plane to go on my vacation in Cali that I was going to shut the door on everyone and everything hurting me, angering me, bothering me and making me question the person I am and want to be.

Then to have those two experiences, I just received more positive affirmation that I need to let things go COMPLETELY and just live my life.

So as I continue to truly find my happiness, I need to find ways to maintain it and then continue to believe that my happiness is here to stay.

Here's to the next chapter...

xoxo
Brown Eyes